Opening the Door
A sermon delivered by The Rev. Kathy Schmitz on August, 2011
At First Unitarian Church of Orlando, Florida

"The essence of hospitality – and of the public life –
is that we let our differences, our mutual strangeness, be as they are,
while still acknowledging the unity that lies beneath them."
~ Parker Palmer, Quaker Author & Educator ~

Sermon Summary:
The root of the word hospitality has to do with the stranger. The same root gives us the word hostile. This morning we explore our reaction to the stranger among us and ask how we can move further in the direction of true hospitality.

Opening Words:  

Bill Schulz, past UUA President, #459 in SLT

Permissions:

Permission is granted to quote freely with attribution.  Permission is granted to use as a whole in worship with notice to the author.  To reproduce in print, please contact the author.

Sermon:

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Oops!

So often we start out with all the right intentions.  We want to welcome people into our homes, into our lives, into our communities.  But somewhere along the way we lose sight of what we set out to do.  

This woman invited someone, her family, her friends, a new neighbor, a fragile co-worker, to the hospitality of her home.  Why?  Lots of good reasons.

Companionship.  Curiosity.  Compassion.

But somewhere along the way she lost track of those reasons.

She dropped Companionship in her race through the grocery store.  

Curiosity was stowed with the clean supplies once the bathroom was sparkling.

Compassion?  I believe that was shoved under the bed in the spare room along with the dog toys, an unshipped package to her brother, and the pile of magazines yet to be recycled.

So often we start out with all the right intentions.  We want to welcome people into our homes, into our lives, into our communities.  But somewhere along the way we lose sight of what we set out to do.  

Hospitality is tricky business.  And I think that hospitality is a tricky word.

This was brought home for me a couple of years ago when I had occasion to lead a values exercise with a group of Unitarian Universalists.  It was the same exercise I offered to people who were here last month when I spoke about Islam.  In speaking about Islam, I read a list that one author had created of values important to Muslims.  The list contained 33 values.  Values like:

(In her book, What Everyone Should Know about Islam and Muslims, American Muslim Suzanne Haneef lists the following Islamic values.)

God Consciousness, Faith, Sincerity, Responsibility, Integrity, Honesty, Truthfulness, Keeping of Commitment, Fair-Dealing, Discipline and Self-Control, Humility, Patience, Endurance, Courage, Thankfulness, Dignity, Honor, Self-Respect, Purity, Modesty, Chastity, Kindness, Helpfulness, Cooperation, Charitableness, Generosity, Hospitality, Consideration, Good manners,  Brotherliness, Warmth and lovingness, Striving and Hard work, Love of Knowledge.

For the exercise, each person was given 33 slips of paper, each with one of the values on it.  Their task was to divide the values into three piles representing how important each was to them.  One pile contained the 11 values most important to them.  The next pile was values of medium importance to them.  The last pile was the 11 values that were least important to them.  High, medium, low.

I didn’t happen to collect the results last month.  So I don’t know what they would have looked like.  But let me tell you how they looked with this other group which was, like this one, a fairly typical group of Unitarian Universalists.   For while the combined results cannot be considered in any way scientific …, I think they are worth our consideration.

The 6 values that came out highest were not really surprising for a group of Unitarian Universalists:     

Most of those that fell to the bottom were not all that surprising either.  They included: 

Chastity, Modesty, and Purity

Remember, a value being in this list does not necessarily mean that people do not hold that value.  It just means that it is not as important as some of the others.

For a group of UUs, two other items on the low list were not really shocking.  They were:

  Faith and God Consciousness.

But each of these did appear on at least one individual’s high list.

There was however, one surprise for me.

The 6th item that turned up on the low list was:

Hospitality.

Not only did this show up on the overall low list, it did not appear on even one person’s high list.

And this was done at a congregation that could rightfully be proud of the way it welcomed its guests.

I didn’t know what to make of this.

I will note that two people did send me their result from last month.  They are consistent with what I saw with the other group – except – both people here put hospitality in the middle group.  I found myself wondering if that is because we live in the hospitality capital of the world. I would have loved to see a large selection of results.

What I have realized over time is that the word “hospitality” has very different connotations for different people.  I think that this gets at the root of the results I saw.

Today, I would like to reclaim the word and the value of hospitality.

In the lovely little book, Radical Hospitality, Father Daniel Homan, OSB (a Benedictine Monk), and Lonni Collins Pratt write:

Hospitality has two meanings for most people today.  It either refers to hotels or cruise ships, or it is connected to entertaining friends and family in the warmth of candlelight with gleaming silver and ivory lace.  (page 10)

Homan and Pratt say that one of these is meant to be profitable and the other warm and cozy.  But real hospitality they would claim should be “revolutionary, risky and world-rattling.”

Real hospitality is when we open our hearts to know and to be known.

And this is harder than we sometimes think.  For all kinds of reasons.

Homan and Pratt list some of the enemies of hospitality: suspicion, misunderstanding, prejudice, narcissism, and fear.  

Writing in 2002, the authors point out that many of these began rising after the events of September 11th, 2001.  And I agree.  It took an act of will not to get caught up in the some of the fear mongering that continues to this day.  But we needed that act of will.  And we need it still, to avoid closing down of our hearts for some false sense that it will protect us.

We are a society in desperate need of hospitality at many levels.  But underlying any discussion of hospitality must be the idea that it is something that happens inside us, through practice, when we keep our hearts and minds open.

And that something can happen anytime.  Even, as our reading this morning demonstrated (from Radical Hospitality the story of Kevin found on pages 217-220, about a young man living with a mental disability bagging groceries), in the checkout line.

Homan and Pratt comment on the story:

Kevin probably gets ignored often, but you know Kevin is used to it.  Now that he’s out there at the cash register, every now and then someone will look Kevin in the eye and they will affirm him, they will grin at him, they will listen to Kevin.  And that would not happen without that politically correct employment policy.

It is very good for Kevin, but if you have known a few people like him you know that he will be okay anyway.  There is an ability to love, understand, forgive, and accept in the Kevins of our world that is beyond understanding.  

The ones who otherwise would have avoided Kevin are the ones who are really changed when they first listen, when they first discovers they can no longer ignore someone whose only crime is making them uneasy.  Listening is the core of hospitality, and while the people we listen to benefit, in the end we are the ones transformed. (slightly edited)

Homan and Pratt suggest that hospitality is a spiritual practice.  They are not offering “ten easy steps to hospitality.”  Contrary to some claims in popular culture, the development of our spirits doesn’t work that way.  Here is their description of spiritual practice.  (They are speaking from their Roman Catholic tradition, so I trust you can translate as necessary.)

A spiritual practice is an action intended to make a change or adjustment in the deepest realm of the self.  A spiritual practice is a thing we do that opens a door.  It might be meditation or prayer. It could be serving the poor.  Stripping life of what is unessential and practicing simplicity – that is a spiritual practice.  The spiritual practice creates a possibility or opportunity, but the change itself is more gift than effort.  The spiritual practice puts us into a receiving place where we are open to the something more that we call God.  You can set your will to be more open to others, but your heart still has to stretch gradually.

When we are trying to grow our spirits it is not like balancing our checkbook or learning the capitals of other countries.  While these tasks may challenge us at times, if we keep at it, we are likely to succeed in a fairly predictable way and in a finite amount of time.

But growing our soul, or our heart, or our relationship with the divine, this is a different matter.  It will happen in unpredictable and surprising ways.  And not only is it hard to estimate when we will be done, I not sure we can ever be done.  There will always be more growth possible.

The family in this morning’s Words for All Ages (The Magic Vase, adapted from Margaret Silf) did not start out to engage in a spiritual practice but the arrival of the magic vase in their home triggered a chain of events, created opportunities, for transformation in their home. (Note This story can be found at: http://www.uua.org/religiouseducation/curricula/tapestryfaith/creatinghome/session1/sessionplan/stories/60015.shtml)

One opening leads to the next.

One of the fascinating things about hospitality is that in its best form it is a two way street.  I became most acutely aware of this when, as a parent, I had to explain the rules to our daughters.

One day it was: 

When you get to Lee’s house, remember to eat what you are given, say please and thank you, don’t take things that aren’t yours.  Remember, you’re the guest.  Be polite.

Several days later: 

Now, when Alex is here, remember to ask what she would like to eat, use you’re your manner, share your toys.  Remember, she’s the guest so be polite.

My children never actually looked at me as said:  So wait a minute, just who is it that gets to be the boss?  The host or the guest?  Or is it just NOT ME?  

No, my children learned, like most people do, through experience and gentle guidance that it is always a dance between the host and the guest.  Each has responsibilities.  Neither gets it all his or her own way.  At least not most of the time.  And when things get out of balance – that’s when things can get ugly.

As it happens, the word hospitality has the same root as the word hostile.  That root means stranger, it means both guest and host.  Properly it means, “someone with whom one has reciprocal duties of hospitality.”  (The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language: Fourth Edition.  2000.  ENTRY: ghos-ti- )

The meeting of strangers.  Perhaps a host.  Perhaps a guest. A moment full of possibility.  

What happens next depends on the condition of their hearts.  Will there be hospitality?  Will there be hostility?  

The next time you meet a stranger, or the stranger in a loved one, or even in yourself… what will be the condition of your heart? … the next time you meet a stranger …

I gained some perspective on a couple of year ago, when I attended, General Assembly, the annual gathering of Unitarian Universalists.  I attended a workshop presented by the Unitarian Universalist congregation in San Jose, California (First Unitarian Church of San José).  

Roberto Padilla is the Spanish Ministries Coordinator.  He gave an excellent example of what it means to be fully welcoming.  He said (paraphrasing), “I would like to invite you to visit me at my home.  Please come and spend some time with me and we will get to know one another better.”  His invitation was open and warm.

And then he asked (again, paraphrasing), “When you are visiting me in my home, will you help yourself to the contents of the refrigerator?  Will you put your feet up on the coffee table?  Will you pick up the remote and change the channel of the television?”

“No,” he says (again paraphrasing), “I did not think so.”

Padilla is being a good host.  And, you are being a good guest.

No matter how much he insists that “Mi casa es tu casa,” you are still a guest and you will not truly make yourself at home.

This is the challenge of taking the concept of hospitality, real hospitality, radical hospitality, one step deeper.

Padilla uses the example of inviting someone to his home, but his point is about how we welcome people to our congregations.  How do we move beyond a warm welcome and friendly word?  How do we invite people in, really in, in a way that invites them to believe that this truly is their home, too?

What happens after the friendly hello?  Are we really ok when they help themselves to what is in the fridge? What makes it ok from someone to reach for the remote?  To rearrange the furniture? … or another congregational equivalent?

What happens when someone decides that this really is their home, too – and starts to act that way?  Are we really open to that?

Authors Homan and Pratt reminded us that we often take hospitality to mean something that is either profitable or warm and cozy.  But real hospitality they would claim should be “revolutionary, risky and world-rattling.”

Real hospitality is when we open our hearts to know and to be known.

Real hospitality requires that we transcend the enemies of hospitality (Homan and Pratt’s list): suspicion, misunderstanding, prejudice, narcissism, and fear.  

This is harder than we sometimes think.   And it happens on many levels.

Real hospitality it is claimed should be “revolutionary, risky and world-rattling.”

Real hospitality is when we open our hearts to know and to be known.

I hope that, the next time you set out to offer hospitality, you will not lose track of your reasons along the way.  That a flurry of time constraints and social expectations will not prevent you from remembering the companionship, curiosity, compassion you begin with.

Next time you are called upon to offer hospitality, to really be present for another person, to offer them what they truly need, what will be the condition of your heart?

I hope it will be stretched and willing to stretch some more.
I hope it will be open.  I hope it will be brave.